What’s the fucking point?

Why am I even bothering with this sobriety BS? I feel like I’ve had to separate myself from everyone. I’ve been trying so fucking hard. At everything. Being the best parent I can be yada yada. But it never fucking ends. No matter how hard I shovel, the shit keeps on piling up. It feels like I’m responsible for everyone else’s fucking happiness. I know that sounds co-dependant as fuck but I still feel in practical day-to-day terms it’s true. Washing people’s hair. Washing people’s pots. Constantly mopping up everyone else’s physical and emotional messes. And they still want more. My eleven-year-old woke me up last night saying she couldn’t sleep and I just turned over and muttered go back to bed. She was freaking out and I didn’t help. I valued my sleep more. And I felt bad. Then I woke up like a bear with a sore head grumpy as hell. I bake the cupcakes and go to the school coffee mornings and basically there’s only so much of that shit I can take before wanting to go headbutt someone. Everyone else I know deals with this by drinking a shed load of wine, chain smoking fags and talking bollocks. Rinse and repeat. Although I know somewhere that I don’t want to take that option, I have a powerful urge to do something fucked up and ‘bad’ to counter act all the effort and bullshit on the other end of the scale. My mum phoned and I asked her what the fucking point was. Why don’t I just go and get smashed like every other fucker? She said that I’d changed and not to give up. She said don’t mind everyone else, they don’t know better. She said that she used to worry about me a lot. She knew something was off, something was wrong but couldn’t work it out. The haunted micro expressions and general sheepishness. The erratic energy behind the façade. She said you’re different now. You’re like you used to be. When you were a kid. And that was enough. Enough to remind me why I’m doing this sobriety BS. Because I am better and I’m moving forward. Life still grates but in twenty years I’ll be looking back thinking this time with my kids was the time of my life. And I’ll be so fucking glad I didn’t spend it wasted.   

Published by Free Spirits Recovery

FREE SPIRITS is a coaching and counselling service for people seeking accessible help with grey area problem drinking, compulsive behaviours and mental health issues.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: